Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Laws of Music

1. The James Brown paradox: The more attractive, rich and famous a male singer and songwriter is, the more unhappy in relationships he is.
see also, Simon Neil, Drake, David Coverdale

2. Julian's Law: The better a band's first album is, the more likely the rest will suffer by comparison: E.g. The Strokes, Nas, Franz Ferdinand, Oasis

3. The Abuse Law: However badly a woman is treated in relationships, and in general life, the more critical acclaim will follow her work. E.G. Etta James, Sharon Van Etten, Joni Mitchell, Janis Joplin.

4. The Paedo Law: A famous musician can get away with almost anything except child abuse. In which case he (or she) can kiss their career goodbye. E.g. Ian Watkins, Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson.

5. The Difficult album: No matter how many albums an artist releases, at least one of them has to be either total shite, or not appeal to the bands fans. E.G. R.E.M, Arctic Monkeys, The Strokes,

6. The Filler Law: The longer a wait between albums the higher chance there is of rubbish live albums, remix ep's, rarities compilations, greatest hits, singles comps etc  being released. E.G. Nine Inch Nails, Muse,

7. The Morbid Inevitability: If a musician dies young, fanfare will follow, and every single diary extract, demo, doodle or painting will be released  to the public, regardless of the moral aspects. E.G. The Notorious B.I.G, John Lennon, Nirvana, Joy Division, Jeff Buckley, 2pac

8. The Inevitable Spilt law: The more famous a musical couple the less likely it will be they can keep it together: E.G Michael Stipe & Courtney Love (Yes they actually dated), Jack and Meg White (not siblings, once married), Thurston Moore & Kim Gordon (from Sonic Youth)

9. Bono's Law: If a Rock Star uses their fame for a good cause people will hate them for it. E.G. Bono, Sting. Notable exceptions: Win Butler, Adam Yaunch

10. The curse of electronica: Electronic music can be dated back to the late 1960's (some say 1920's). Yet people will always see it as a new thing. Idiots who've never heard of Silver Apples think Skrillex invented Dubstep and is doing something new, and yet more idiots will assume that because these artists don't use traditional instruments by trade, that they're untalented. E.g. Early psych - 60's-70's, krautrock/prog rock - 70's, electro pop - 80's, Acid House - 80's-90's, EDM - 00's - Current.

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